


sometimes it's the ones who try to help that hurt the most

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Series: Tumblr Prompts [60]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, M/M, Optimistic Ending, can't quite call it 'happy' but things are looking up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-06-30 11:49:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19852564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: Alec is willing to live with sacrificing his own happiness to give Magnus back his magic... but what about the other side of the coin, and the price Magnus pays in the wake of Alec's choice?





	sometimes it's the ones who try to help that hurt the most

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: may I ask for a story in which Alec realizes (or someone makes him realize) that breaking up with Magnus isn't a sacrifice that is only his own to to pay. That's something that bothers me. Magnus ends up paying again for this deal, and I find it unfair. Maybe then Alec goes to Magnus and clarifies everything?

Alec needs to be certain that Asmodeus upheld his end of the deal so he does the only thing he can do - he has Underhill follow Magnus on the surveillance cameras. Alec doesn’t have the time to devote to tracking Magnus personally, not with Clary and Jonathan to deal with, so this is the next best thing. 

He doesn’t know what he expects to see, but when Asmodeus appears to personally return his son’s magic Alec’s blood turns to ice. He hadn’t anticipated this. Asmodeus’ personal involvement was, somehow, not something Alec took into account when considering the potential ramifications of this deal. Yes, he reunited Magnus with his magic, but now he also left him beholden to the one person Magnus loathes the very existence of. 

He turns off the tape and goes back to his office, too distracted to focus on the papers in front of him, mind reeling with concern and anxiety over this unforeseen complication, trying to convince himself that it’s fine. Magnus can handle himself now, he’ll be  _ fine _ . He doesn’t need Alec to worry about him… he doesn’t need Alec at all, not now that he’s whole again. 

Alec hears the knock on the door to his office faintly. It feels like he’s living a lot of today through a filter, actually - after his conversation with Jace he’s barely been able to focus on anything at all that isn’t Magnus and what he might be doing just then. In fact, Alec hardly slept at all the night before. How could he after watching the heart of the man he loves break in two by his own doing? He isn’t in the mood to talk to anyone else just then and so he resolves to ignore the knock until the person goes away to find their answers elsewhere. 

“Alec, open up!” Comes a familiar voice edged with anger and frustration. 

Avoidance  _ was _ a wonderful plan, until he realizes the person on the other end is his sister. 

Alec does his best to ignore her anyway but the knocks sound again, more insistent this time. “I know you’re in there, Alec, and if I have to get a warlock to portal me directly inside this office I will.” 

He sighs, knowing the threat is real - and that threat is even more concerning because they’re both well aware that the only warlock permitted to portal through the wards and directly into the Institute is Magnus. 

“You wouldn’t dare,” he says, trying to make his voice sound challenging enough that she goes away. 

“Try me,” Izzy challenges right back. “I’ll call Magnus up right now, because no matter what your dumbass did, he’ll still love you enough to come running the moment I tell him I think you’re in trouble, and-” 

Alec’s hand is on the lock before she can finish that sentence. “Alright, just come in already. And shut the door behind you.” 

Alec lets the door fall open and goes back to his desk, watching his sister enter and lock the door again behind her before stalking over to where he sits, not bothering to sit down herself as she places her hands on the top of his desk to lean over dramatically.

“What the  _ hell _ , Alec.” 

“I’m guessing you talked with Jace?”

“Yes. And, I repeat,  _ what the hell, Alec?” _

He doesn’t say anything for a moment. How can he explain to her the impossible situation he’s in, how his decision hurt him just as much as it hurts Magnus, that he did it for Magnus’ own good even if he’ll never know it? Izzy’s too much of a hothead to not run and tell Magnus, and then what would happen to the deal? 

“Whatever you two fought about, talk to each other and fix it. I’ve never seen two people more in love, I can’t imagine what happened for you to break up, but-” 

“We didn’t. I mean, it wasn’t a fight. I… I broke up with him.” They sound fake even to him, to try and reconcile the fact where he lives in a universe where he actually broke up with Magnus Bane. He can see the same impossible fact try and register with Isabelle, who stares at him for several long moments of silence. 

“No,” she says at length. 

“Yes. It happened. It’s done. It’s for his own good. Now if we can just move on, because if you haven’t realized we’ve got two rogue Shadowhunters and--” 

“No,” Isabelle repeats, not as easily swayed from the conversation as Jace had been. “There’s no way you can convince me you actually wanted to end things with Magnus, so you have five seconds to tell me the truth.” 

Alec frowns, and doesn’t say anything. There’s nothing he can say that won’t give himself away immediately, and there’s no way Izzy is letting up until he does. 

“I made a deal with Asmodeus. He said he’d return Magnus’ magic, but only if I broke up with him - if I broke his heart.” 

“You can’t tell me you’re okay with this.” 

“Of course I’m not,” he says, the words bursting through in a rush of pent-up frustration and anger and sadness he can’t hold back any longer. “I just lost the love of my life… but I gave him back  _ his _ life. And it’s worth the heartache to know he’ll have his magic back. He’ll move on, and be happy, and whole, and everything he could never be if he stayed mortal with me.” 

“Will you move on?” Izzy asks, and Alec actually laughs in response. 

“Of course not. Magnus is - was - it for me. But this isn’t about me.” 

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” Isabelle states simply. 

“Thanks. Because I didn’t feel shitty enough as is,” Alec mutters. 

“I mean it. Do you really think Magnus isn’t hurting even more than you are right now? And you think he’s just going to get his magic back and what, be totally fine with losing someone he loves for it? That he isn’t going to feel guilty for putting you in that position and making you feel like you had no other choice? And you’re so quick to sell yourself short, but he loves you just as deeply as you love him. If you know you can’t move on, what makes you think he can? What if he doesn’t?” If Alec expected his sister to react to the news with pity, her outburst proves the exact opposite to be true. Her frustration is laced with anger and he knows he deserves it… 

...but what’s worse is the idea that she might be right. He hadn’t considered the idea that Magnus may not move on from this, magic or not. After his breakdown the other night the choice seemed so simple, hardly a choice at all, but that’s because Alec never questioned the fact that Magnus would be fine without him. Of course he doesn’t doubt that Magnus loves him. But he loved before Alec, and he’d love again after Alec. 

Except that isn’t quite true, is it? Before Alec Magnus didn’t open himself up to love or relationships, he hadn’t for some time. Before Alec, Magnus wasn’t sure he deserved to be cared for the way that Alec cares for him. Before Alec, Magnus was cold and closed off and  _ unhappy _ , despite his best efforts to fill the voids in his life with distractions. 

Would Magnus truly be happy again with his magic back and Alec gone, or had Alec just condemned him to a lifetime of feeling abandoned and unloved? Or worse, with Asmodeus back in the picture… no, Alec can’t even bring himself to consider those options. Surely Magnus wouldn’t be that upset, that desperate, to be driven directly into the arms of his father? 

“What can I do?” Alec sighs. “It’s too late. The deal is made. If I talk to him now… if I show up and he loses his magic  _ again _ because of me…” Alec stands now, pacing the length of his office. “I can’t. Izzy, I just…” 

“You have to. You made the deal, but it wasn’t yours to make. You’re not the only one paying a price here.” The anger is gone from his sister’s tone now. She can see him listening, finally, to something other than the voice in his own head, thinking beyond his own doubts and insecurities which were only amplified by Asmodeus’ words to him.

“He won’t want to speak with me.” Alec points out. The chances of Magnus wanting anything to do with him just then were slim to none, that was sort of the whole point. 

“Maybe not,” Izzy agrees, turning to leave him alone again. “But I think you owe it to both of you to give him the choice this time.” 

\---

Alec tracks Magnus down to a spot by the water. Despite having his magic back Magnus looks worse than he has in weeks, and Alec feels an immediate pang of guilt. He almost changes his mind and starts to turn around, but Magnus sees him first. 

“Alexander?” 

Alec hates how hesitant it sounds, the uncertainty replacing what should be love, or joy, or relief. 

“Hey, Magnus,” Alec says, forcing himself to stay. “We should, uh, talk.” Alec takes a breath. “Or, I guess, I should talk. There’s something I need to tell you.” 

“Me first,” Magnus says. “My father’s back. I don’t know how he escaped Edom, and I know I should’ve told you sooner, but…” Magnus trails off slowly, eyeing Alec carefully. “You don’t look surprised at that.” 

Alec’s lips press together. 

“You knew,” Magnus states, but Alec doesn’t address that, either. 

“How are you feeling?” Alec asks instead. 

He doesn’t know what he expects, but it isn’t the sharp laugh that Magnus gives in response. 

“How am I  _ feeling _ ? Asmodeus is wandering the streets of New York and you’re, what, checking in on my broken heart?” Magnus shakes his head in disbelief. “What makes you think you have the right to abandon me like that and then turn up here to ask how I’m  _ feeling _ ? Why, to rub it in my face that I still need you, that I’m so pathetic that losing you is breaking me, that I’d do anything to have you back even after you made it very clear I’m overwhelming and not worth keeping around?” 

“I’m so sorry, Magnus. I thought…  _ fuck _ , I thought I was doing the right thing. That you’d be fine without me as long as you got your magic back...”    
  
“You’re starting to sound like my father” Magnus snaps bitterly, before something softens as his words register. “Alexander, you didn’t…” 

Alec’s silence speaks volumes. 

“How could you?!” Magnus shouts. 

“What choice did I have? You told me you could never be happy without it, and I had a chance to give it back to you. What else was I supposed to do?” Alec explains, praying to the Angel that Magnus will understand. 

“You know how I feel about him. I could’ve gone to him myself to strike a deal for my powers back, but I didn’t.  _ For a reason _ .” 

“I just wanted you to have your magic back. I thought you’d be fine losing me, after a while. But then Asmodeus showed up and that was never part of the plan. And now I’m ruining everything because he said if you found out about the deal it was off, and if you lose your magic again and hate me forever-” Alec forces himself to stop, trying to control his reeling thoughts. “I didn’t want you to go with him because you think you aren’t wanted here. Because you are.” 

“That’s difficult to believe after your convincing speech last night,” Magnus mutters, looking down at the ground in front of him. 

“Magnus, I didn’t mean any of it. You have to believe that,” Alec pleads, taking a tentative step forward while fighting the urge to reach out and lift Magnus’ face up by the chin. He isn’t sure where they stand… he isn’t sure he has that right any more. 

Magnus shakes his head before raising it up to meet Alec's gaze, tears shining in his eyes. “I believe your intentions were good,” he concedes. “But that wasn’t your decision to make. What if I left with him right away, and spent the rest of my immortal life in Edom because of a deal you struck behind my back?” 

Alec pales at the thought. “I’m sorry.” 

“So am I.” Magnus says, and Alec can practically feel the ground crumble out from beneath him at the words. “ Because now I have to deal with my father.” 

“I’m coming with you,” Alec insists. It’s his fault Magnus is in this position, after all, it’s only right he helps to clean up the mess he made. 

“No. This is something I have to do alone.” Magnus looks at Alec, hesitating just a moment before reaching out and taking Alec’s hands in his own. “But I’ll be back. We can talk then, I promise.” 

“I’m sorry,” Alec repeats. He doesn’t specify for what - for going behind Magnus’ back, for dealing with Asmodeus, for being part of the reason Asmodeus is free now and back in Magnus’ life, for breaking his heart, for lying… the list feels infinite at the moment and he figures Magnus can take his pick. “I’m so sorry.” 

“I know,” Magnus says. He offers no comfort, no forgiveness, which is fine because Alec doesn’t want either; he doesn’t deserve them. 

“I love you,” Alec blurts out, knowing it’s selfish but unable to stop himself. Magnus is about to walk away and face his father and Alec can’t stand the idea of him going with even the slightest doubt in his mind of Alec’s true feelings for him. “I know I don’t have any right to say it after everything but-” 

“I love you too, Alexander.” 

Alec can feel the relief flood through him with the words. He hasn’t lost Magnus, he doesn’t think, but now Izzy’s words echo in his head -  _ ‘You’re not the only one paying a price here’ _ \- as he watches Magnus open a portal to confront the literal demon of a father he wants no parts of, all because of a decision Alec made  _ for  _ him, not  _ with  _ him. 

Magnus steps towards the portal, a tentative smile on his face as he says one last thing before stepping through.“I could never stop loving you, even if you walked away from me a hundred times. My heart is yours, no matter how many pieces it’s in.” 

It’s a promise that’s equal parts comforting and heartbreaking to hear, and Alec clings to it until Magnus returns. 

**Author's Note:**

> ( Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


End file.
